... how one moment I can be fine, looking forward to a new future, and the next hurting so bad I am not sure I can make it. The other feelings in between those just confuse things more. Recently I have been dealing with anger and on one or two occasions outright fury. Raging at the unfairness of it all and blaming it on anyone but myself. It surprises me so I stop to take a closer look. Then I sit embarrassed, in the dark, crying and giggling at the same time.
So many changes recently. The wife and I have split. Divorce is pretty much a done deal. No paperwork yet, but if it showed up tomorrow it would not surprise me. I was considering taking the initiative and just doing it myself, but I will not do that though. It is something I think we both need to do and at the same time. Together.
Many things have gone on since last August when she first told me she was not happy. There was counseling. That was about it. It did not do either of us any good. I am pretty sure that she was just putting up with me till she could not stand it anymore. I think there is a lot the last few months she put up with, and kept to herself. Which if you know her is very uncharacteristic. If true. It is just a feeling I have. Some of my actions and behavior last few months just leave me feeling embarrassed and wanting to somehow do it different, but knowing I can not.
I miss her terribly and at the same time I do not. It is very confusing and sometimes actually physically painful. I hate throwing up.
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