Nice Ride

Well I did not have horrible heart crunching dreams this morning. I should have gotten up when the Wife came in to say good bye though. I lie there thinking that and then fell back asleep only to have my alarm wake me up in a very groggy, discombobulated state. The kind of state that sticks with you for most of the day.

Roller coaster. That's the ride I am referring to in the title with dripping sarcasm. All day yesterday my mind bounced back and forth and back and forth between two courses of action or schools of thought really. At times I was actually sick to my stomach. Other times I was calm, at peace, and everything was fine. Unfortunately there was no correlation. Makes me wonder how many G's the next turn will have or if there is a inverted loop, or if it will just end and I will have to get off or get kicked off the ride.

Ugh.

So confused....

Had a very unhappy, disconcerting dreams this morning. When just before Mrs. J came to say good bye all I could recount of the dream was this sense of directionless motion and loss. Yuck. After that I went back to sleep for a bit and dreamt more. One of those quick 'gah!' dreams. I can not seem to remember specifics, but just the feelings it left me with. Confusion, loss, fear, sadness. It left me in an odd state of mind. I have questions, needs, concerns ...

Things have not been going well recently for our marriage. She's definitely unhappy and I am unhappy she is unhappy. Which if I act on actually has the opposite effect I intend.

There was a time not too long ago we decided to divorce. Then that was decided against and we agreed to work on the marriage. As a result I have been majorly stressed. Mainly due to my own nature. I just do not know where things stand. Talking just seems to rehash the same old things and never accomplishes anything. That and most of the talking is instigated by me and I realized that it's just me seeking affirmation and reassurance. Which seems needy and clingy. Both things that are not conducive to any sort of positive effect here.

I do know one thing. I am not really happy right now. Everything I do either seems to backfire on me or have unintended results. I really don't know where things stand. I seem to be meandering through the days just waiting for the 'other shoe to drop' as it were. Not a pleasant feeling. To add to the complication I want to talk to her about it, but am afraid ... of all kinds of things. So many things.

I. Am. Afraid.

This fear is causing me to act very tentatively and with so much caution and restraint that I have been paralyzed.

Time to just do.

There was this thing...

...I used to do on my old blog. I would list things I saw that day that caught my eye. I would list them and sometimes comment or expound upon them. I think I'll start doing that again. If nothing else it help me to at least get into the habit of writing/blogging on a regular basis.

A flurry of crows and seagulls fighting over garbage in a parking lot.

The patterns formed by ivy encroaching on walk and building at the bottom of the stairs outside my apartment.

There were more, but I left my notes at work. That and the beer I had with dinner is futzing with my brain.

No Singing

One of 'The Rules'. Not exactly positive which number, but definitely one of them. Which is probably for the best.

I have been recently rediscovering music. Rediscovering how much I like music. With the catalyst of some friends turning me on to new groups, purchasing albums from the past, and just surfing You Tube I have been listening to a lot more music. I like it. I like the way it feels. I like the energy and positive feelings it elicits. Some of it I believe actually helps me think and be in a better, more active state of mind.

I wonder though if that is a good thing though.

I remember studying Kung Fu and Sifu indicating that he did not prefer to train with music on. The exception being during meditation and/or Tai Chi. His reasoning was that it was an external cause and influence and he preferred a more internal approach. Makes sense considering it was a soft style Kung Fu and Tai Chi being what it is.

I am not sure I can achieve without music what I am with it currently. At least not yet. That has always stuck with me though and I keep it in mind especially when I experience and particularly strong feeling from music.

I am still no good at air guitar either, but it is fun.

Alas, poor ....

... wait a minute. Where did this skull come from? And why am I not creeped out by it? Why am I talking to it? I'm not really sure I know this skull. I should just put it down and walk away.

I used to have a blog I posted in quite frequently. Some of the stuff I posted I was quite proud of and enjoyed going back and reading. Unfortunately the site no longer exists. I am pretty sure too that the drive and database the information was in is toast. I have considered asking Waltzer if it is in any way recoverable. I really would like to read that stuff again. Revisit it and perhaps expound, edit, or rewrite some it and post it again. Yay, recycling.

I then consider if that is really a good idea. It is in the past and I should probably be looking forward. Then I think but I am the past too and those posts are at least some of the colors mixed into that grey canvas I am trying to beautify as it were. Yay, conflicted.

Where'd that skull go? I need to sit down with it and have a long conversation.

Paint a Picture

A corny title I know. Better than what I had originally planned. It's the title of a song by Anacrusis currently blasting into my ears. A band way ahead of their time. As I listen to the lyrics I find them somewhat appropriate.

Wait ... I'm having a thought. I find it interesting how well certain music, bands, songs fit so well with my current emotional state and thoughts. Music conveys and affect emotions for me and I have never been one to be too much into lyrics. When I take the effort to actually listen to them or look them up on web I find that lyrics, the words, are better fitting to the thoughts based on or causing those emotions. What interests me is how fitting the lyrics can be regardless of my emotions or thoughts. Not too surprising actually for something that is so subjective. How mutable and encompassing they are or become. Is this the artists intention? Or is it my mind doing something subconscious that has me picking the 'right' thing at that time? I think I am beginning to understand better those who answer the question "what does that song mean?" with "whatever the listener thinks."

My original title for this was going to be "A Voyage of Self Discovery, Part 1" or something equally as corny. I find "Paint a Picture" to be more fitting. I have pulled out the canvas of me recently. Lots of paint on it. So many colors mixed it's all gray and dull. Time to separate some of those colors, understand them, put them to new uses and paint a picture.

~~~~~~~~~~

"So blind beneath this canopy
So still in lifeless scenery
So pale within this shadow over me
The grey no longer satisfies
The colors neutral to these eyes
I long again to see the sky
I search to find a brighter side
With eyes so frail against the light
Which seems at times to burn me from inside"

-- Anacrusis "Paint a Picture",
from the album 'Manic Impressions', 1991