Eleven

It goes to eleven. It won't stop there though. No, I am not talking about the dials on my amp. I wish I were.

Eleven years ago today one of my best friends killed himself. Eleven. Years. I still do not know why and expect I never will, but I do still wonder.

I wonder who he was at that time.

I wonder what brought him to that point.

I wonder where he thought he was going.

I wonder when the decision was made.

I wonder why. Why then? Why at all?

Mainly though, especially these days, I wonder what path my life might have taken had he not killed himself. It was an event that profoundly affected me in so many ways and still does it seems. The effects confuse and confound me when I ponder them. They tie into a subject that has been on my mind a lot recently. Balance.

Out of this negative event came one of the most positive things that has happened in my life so far. Is this balance? If so I must say it is both perplexing and confounding. Balance. That is another blog subject.

Tonight I celebrate the time I had with him. I listen to music we both enjoyed. Loudly. I go through pictures of him and us together. I light a candle to his memory.

I raise a glass to you, you magnificent bastard!