Nice Ride

Well I did not have horrible heart crunching dreams this morning. I should have gotten up when the Wife came in to say good bye though. I lie there thinking that and then fell back asleep only to have my alarm wake me up in a very groggy, discombobulated state. The kind of state that sticks with you for most of the day.

Roller coaster. That's the ride I am referring to in the title with dripping sarcasm. All day yesterday my mind bounced back and forth and back and forth between two courses of action or schools of thought really. At times I was actually sick to my stomach. Other times I was calm, at peace, and everything was fine. Unfortunately there was no correlation. Makes me wonder how many G's the next turn will have or if there is a inverted loop, or if it will just end and I will have to get off or get kicked off the ride.

Ugh.

So confused....

Had a very unhappy, disconcerting dreams this morning. When just before Mrs. J came to say good bye all I could recount of the dream was this sense of directionless motion and loss. Yuck. After that I went back to sleep for a bit and dreamt more. One of those quick 'gah!' dreams. I can not seem to remember specifics, but just the feelings it left me with. Confusion, loss, fear, sadness. It left me in an odd state of mind. I have questions, needs, concerns ...

Things have not been going well recently for our marriage. She's definitely unhappy and I am unhappy she is unhappy. Which if I act on actually has the opposite effect I intend.

There was a time not too long ago we decided to divorce. Then that was decided against and we agreed to work on the marriage. As a result I have been majorly stressed. Mainly due to my own nature. I just do not know where things stand. Talking just seems to rehash the same old things and never accomplishes anything. That and most of the talking is instigated by me and I realized that it's just me seeking affirmation and reassurance. Which seems needy and clingy. Both things that are not conducive to any sort of positive effect here.

I do know one thing. I am not really happy right now. Everything I do either seems to backfire on me or have unintended results. I really don't know where things stand. I seem to be meandering through the days just waiting for the 'other shoe to drop' as it were. Not a pleasant feeling. To add to the complication I want to talk to her about it, but am afraid ... of all kinds of things. So many things.

I. Am. Afraid.

This fear is causing me to act very tentatively and with so much caution and restraint that I have been paralyzed.

Time to just do.

There was this thing...

...I used to do on my old blog. I would list things I saw that day that caught my eye. I would list them and sometimes comment or expound upon them. I think I'll start doing that again. If nothing else it help me to at least get into the habit of writing/blogging on a regular basis.

A flurry of crows and seagulls fighting over garbage in a parking lot.

The patterns formed by ivy encroaching on walk and building at the bottom of the stairs outside my apartment.

There were more, but I left my notes at work. That and the beer I had with dinner is futzing with my brain.