Eleven

It goes to eleven. It won't stop there though. No, I am not talking about the dials on my amp. I wish I were.

Eleven years ago today one of my best friends killed himself. Eleven. Years. I still do not know why and expect I never will, but I do still wonder.

I wonder who he was at that time.

I wonder what brought him to that point.

I wonder where he thought he was going.

I wonder when the decision was made.

I wonder why. Why then? Why at all?

Mainly though, especially these days, I wonder what path my life might have taken had he not killed himself. It was an event that profoundly affected me in so many ways and still does it seems. The effects confuse and confound me when I ponder them. They tie into a subject that has been on my mind a lot recently. Balance.

Out of this negative event came one of the most positive things that has happened in my life so far. Is this balance? If so I must say it is both perplexing and confounding. Balance. That is another blog subject.

Tonight I celebrate the time I had with him. I listen to music we both enjoyed. Loudly. I go through pictures of him and us together. I light a candle to his memory.

I raise a glass to you, you magnificent bastard!

I Have Been Papered

One of my cats has a rather unique name. Every time I tell people his name they look at me in askance. I feel obligated to tell them the story at that point. Mainly because I thought the origination of his name is super cool. It still is really, but at this point in his life and mine its meaning is different. I doubt he cares. Unless it's food, pets, brushing, or attacking his brother his interest is mediocre at best.

A few weeks ago I was out with one of my best friends. The conversation turned to pets and pet names. He apparently had not heard the story. It is not very long so I went through it and he thought it was pretty neat. Probably because there was a story/reason behind the uniqueness rather that me just being different for its own sake.

Relaying the story brought on a whole tumult of emotions. Unexpected, strong, and scary. I literally went a little bit crazy for a short time. My friend was understandably concerned. It did not last long, but it was intense and will not soon be forgotten. Some of that was relived today. Not so nearly as intense, but I have been trying to take more effort in being aware of my emotions and why I am experiencing them. Writing about it is, I am finding, very cathartic.

Oh, the story? It was coming up on our first anniversary. I was having trouble coming up with a gift. I finally hit on something. She had been wanting a new cat for a while so I took her to pick one out of a litter a friends cat recently had. I forget how many there were exactly. Six or seven of them. He greeted us at the door. We visited the others to make sure but ended up taking him home. I gave her a card explaining this was her anniversary gift. This long black haired, golden eyed kitten. I suggested we name him "Paper" as paper is the traditional first anniversary gift and that was that.

Today is his 5th birthday. Happy Birthday, Paper.

No Singing

Rules. I miss the rules. I miss a lot of things. Right now though I miss the rules. Still find myself following them for whatever reason. Well, mostly. If the cats could talk.

The Wife visited today. Well, I guess she is still The Wife. I still think of her that way. She was always more though.

We swapped stuff. Chatted about mundane things, and caught up on minor events and I guess gossip. She gave me a belated b-day gift. She smudged my place. It feels better in here.

I enjoyed seeing her. We had not chatted in a while. No contact of any kind really. Which I can understand. She's a busy lady and well it is probably for the best. Her visit today made me realize I miss my friend. Just sitting and talking with her. Listening to her talk. I said something about missing my friend when she left. She gave me that half smile-grin and head tilt which left me feeling like a little boy or a puppy that did something cute. Maybe I should not have said anything, but that's what I was thinking/feeling. I hope it did not make her feel uncomfortable or anything. I kind of felt like a turd afterward. Not sure why though.

Good grief could this be more convoluted? Reflective of my state of mind I guess.

I Don't Understand...

... how one moment I can be fine, looking forward to a new future, and the next hurting so bad I am not sure I can make it. The other feelings in between those just confuse things more. Recently I have been dealing with anger and on one or two occasions outright fury. Raging at the unfairness of it all and blaming it on anyone but myself. It surprises me so I stop to take a closer look. Then I sit embarrassed, in the dark, crying and giggling at the same time.

So many changes recently. The wife and I have split. Divorce is pretty much a done deal. No paperwork yet, but if it showed up tomorrow it would not surprise me. I was considering taking the initiative and just doing it myself, but I will not do that though. It is something I think we both need to do and at the same time. Together.

Many things have gone on since last August when she first told me she was not happy. There was counseling. That was about it. It did not do either of us any good. I am pretty sure that she was just putting up with me till she could not stand it anymore. I think there is a lot the last few months she put up with, and kept to herself. Which if you know her is very uncharacteristic. If true. It is just a feeling I have. Some of my actions and behavior last few months just leave me feeling embarrassed and wanting to somehow do it different, but knowing I can not.

I miss her terribly and at the same time I do not. It is very confusing and sometimes actually physically painful. I hate throwing up.

Oh look...

... I'm here. Shocking I know, The past few nights I have been meaning to write, but ended up just playing around with the arrangement and appearance of this blog. Dammit.

So, here I am watching Season 2 of Alias with The Wife while the white cat is being his usual annoying self. He's moving around, maowing, bumping his head against my laptop and alternately staring at me or The Wife. He's a turd. The black cat is in his usual spot at the foot of the bed kneading on the blanket.

I have a few ideas for blog posts so there should be more coming. There had better be. If nothing else I will sit down and type drivel. Much like this post seems to be forming into, but hey it is better than nothing like I have been ... not doing. My main goal though is to get some things of substance here.

Today I had the opportunity to visit the east side of Vancouver. The area I used to live in. Saw some billboards and other things on the bus ride there that started my mind in some different directions.

Alas, the beer I had earlier is having that wonderful "it's time for you to sleep" effect. So, off I go.

Nice Ride

Well I did not have horrible heart crunching dreams this morning. I should have gotten up when the Wife came in to say good bye though. I lie there thinking that and then fell back asleep only to have my alarm wake me up in a very groggy, discombobulated state. The kind of state that sticks with you for most of the day.

Roller coaster. That's the ride I am referring to in the title with dripping sarcasm. All day yesterday my mind bounced back and forth and back and forth between two courses of action or schools of thought really. At times I was actually sick to my stomach. Other times I was calm, at peace, and everything was fine. Unfortunately there was no correlation. Makes me wonder how many G's the next turn will have or if there is a inverted loop, or if it will just end and I will have to get off or get kicked off the ride.

Ugh.

So confused....

Had a very unhappy, disconcerting dreams this morning. When just before Mrs. J came to say good bye all I could recount of the dream was this sense of directionless motion and loss. Yuck. After that I went back to sleep for a bit and dreamt more. One of those quick 'gah!' dreams. I can not seem to remember specifics, but just the feelings it left me with. Confusion, loss, fear, sadness. It left me in an odd state of mind. I have questions, needs, concerns ...

Things have not been going well recently for our marriage. She's definitely unhappy and I am unhappy she is unhappy. Which if I act on actually has the opposite effect I intend.

There was a time not too long ago we decided to divorce. Then that was decided against and we agreed to work on the marriage. As a result I have been majorly stressed. Mainly due to my own nature. I just do not know where things stand. Talking just seems to rehash the same old things and never accomplishes anything. That and most of the talking is instigated by me and I realized that it's just me seeking affirmation and reassurance. Which seems needy and clingy. Both things that are not conducive to any sort of positive effect here.

I do know one thing. I am not really happy right now. Everything I do either seems to backfire on me or have unintended results. I really don't know where things stand. I seem to be meandering through the days just waiting for the 'other shoe to drop' as it were. Not a pleasant feeling. To add to the complication I want to talk to her about it, but am afraid ... of all kinds of things. So many things.

I. Am. Afraid.

This fear is causing me to act very tentatively and with so much caution and restraint that I have been paralyzed.

Time to just do.

There was this thing...

...I used to do on my old blog. I would list things I saw that day that caught my eye. I would list them and sometimes comment or expound upon them. I think I'll start doing that again. If nothing else it help me to at least get into the habit of writing/blogging on a regular basis.

A flurry of crows and seagulls fighting over garbage in a parking lot.

The patterns formed by ivy encroaching on walk and building at the bottom of the stairs outside my apartment.

There were more, but I left my notes at work. That and the beer I had with dinner is futzing with my brain.

No Singing

One of 'The Rules'. Not exactly positive which number, but definitely one of them. Which is probably for the best.

I have been recently rediscovering music. Rediscovering how much I like music. With the catalyst of some friends turning me on to new groups, purchasing albums from the past, and just surfing You Tube I have been listening to a lot more music. I like it. I like the way it feels. I like the energy and positive feelings it elicits. Some of it I believe actually helps me think and be in a better, more active state of mind.

I wonder though if that is a good thing though.

I remember studying Kung Fu and Sifu indicating that he did not prefer to train with music on. The exception being during meditation and/or Tai Chi. His reasoning was that it was an external cause and influence and he preferred a more internal approach. Makes sense considering it was a soft style Kung Fu and Tai Chi being what it is.

I am not sure I can achieve without music what I am with it currently. At least not yet. That has always stuck with me though and I keep it in mind especially when I experience and particularly strong feeling from music.

I am still no good at air guitar either, but it is fun.

Alas, poor ....

... wait a minute. Where did this skull come from? And why am I not creeped out by it? Why am I talking to it? I'm not really sure I know this skull. I should just put it down and walk away.

I used to have a blog I posted in quite frequently. Some of the stuff I posted I was quite proud of and enjoyed going back and reading. Unfortunately the site no longer exists. I am pretty sure too that the drive and database the information was in is toast. I have considered asking Waltzer if it is in any way recoverable. I really would like to read that stuff again. Revisit it and perhaps expound, edit, or rewrite some it and post it again. Yay, recycling.

I then consider if that is really a good idea. It is in the past and I should probably be looking forward. Then I think but I am the past too and those posts are at least some of the colors mixed into that grey canvas I am trying to beautify as it were. Yay, conflicted.

Where'd that skull go? I need to sit down with it and have a long conversation.

Paint a Picture

A corny title I know. Better than what I had originally planned. It's the title of a song by Anacrusis currently blasting into my ears. A band way ahead of their time. As I listen to the lyrics I find them somewhat appropriate.

Wait ... I'm having a thought. I find it interesting how well certain music, bands, songs fit so well with my current emotional state and thoughts. Music conveys and affect emotions for me and I have never been one to be too much into lyrics. When I take the effort to actually listen to them or look them up on web I find that lyrics, the words, are better fitting to the thoughts based on or causing those emotions. What interests me is how fitting the lyrics can be regardless of my emotions or thoughts. Not too surprising actually for something that is so subjective. How mutable and encompassing they are or become. Is this the artists intention? Or is it my mind doing something subconscious that has me picking the 'right' thing at that time? I think I am beginning to understand better those who answer the question "what does that song mean?" with "whatever the listener thinks."

My original title for this was going to be "A Voyage of Self Discovery, Part 1" or something equally as corny. I find "Paint a Picture" to be more fitting. I have pulled out the canvas of me recently. Lots of paint on it. So many colors mixed it's all gray and dull. Time to separate some of those colors, understand them, put them to new uses and paint a picture.

~~~~~~~~~~

"So blind beneath this canopy
So still in lifeless scenery
So pale within this shadow over me
The grey no longer satisfies
The colors neutral to these eyes
I long again to see the sky
I search to find a brighter side
With eyes so frail against the light
Which seems at times to burn me from inside"

-- Anacrusis "Paint a Picture",
from the album 'Manic Impressions', 1991

Chopsticks, tampons, and tea.

I just came across this post and title from October of '08. It was a draft with nothing in it. Simply the title. It started me to wondering. What in the hell was I going to write about with that title? I really would like to remember, but it escapes me. A lot things seem to escape me these days.

For example earlier tonight the Mrs. and were discussing the upcoming acquisition of a new iPhone. There is this application she found for it that she wants. It sounded cool to me. I had questions about it. I asked. She frowned. We had had this conversation before. I had the same questions before. I remembered after being reminded. Good lord. I really need to work on this. Apologies to the Wife.

It is all rather frustrating. It's not the only thing going on in my brain. Just the foremost this evening. There seems to be myriad of things. Not sure exactly where to start. Here is good I guess.

There are some great things going on too. For instance the laughter of my wife as she listens to a book while working. I love her laugh. It makes me happy. :)

...the hell?

Hi. Lots of jumbled thoughts in my brain pan recently. The word jumbled really does not convey the mess going on upstairs.

I was having a conversation with Mrs. J and was explaining some frustration I have been having recently with forming coherent thoughts longer than a sentence. I seem to be lacking the ability to focus. The thoughts just seem to fade and disappear or I end up off on some completely unrelated tangent. Every little thing around me causes a distraction or interruption in my thought processes. It is rather frustrating and is causing some problems. Can you imagine trying to have serious conversation with me about an important topic when I am that way?

When I look for causes all I come up with is laziness, and that is about as far as I get before distraction. Oh look! Tree bark!

Mrs. J has another theory. Lack of mental or intellectual stimulation. I managed to think about that long enough to agree with her. I do not do a whole lot these days to challenge or even moderately strain my brain. It is easy to avoid. Doing nothing pretty much takes care of it. Laziness again. Dammit.

In an effort to counter this lack of focus and intellectual stimulation I was thinking (yay!) of what I could do. One of the things I came up with is this. I am going to blog more. It certainly can not hurt. Well, not much anyway. Writing this has given me a bit of a headache. That could be the heat though. Hmmph.

Look for more in the near future.

Be well.

Dagnabbit...

... I was given one thing to do today on my day off, and I almost failed.

This morning I asked Jade what if anything she would like me to do around the house today. All she aked for was a blog post. So, here it is.

I did laundry. I played WoW. I cleaned the cat box. I ate. I napped. I played with the cats. I -almost- did not blog.

*whew* That was close. I hope this counts my love. :)

Still not a slob ...

... but a lousy blogger. Well, lousy in frequency anyway. It is not that I do not think about blogging, but for some odd reason I never seem to actually get around to it. It is not that I am not reminded ever either. Jade does remind me of how empty it is here and so I am going to attempt to rectify that.

I have been 'tagged' to write 10 Honest Things about myself. To be honest I am still thinking that one through. I do have the intention as it seems a good exercise in introspection. I think I just need some time to actually perform said introspection. It is not something I do a whole lot.

Now all of a sudden I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. Figures. More to come I swear.

In my own defense ...

... I am not really that much of a slob, and I would never put my dick on the table. If anyone was watching. Really. I mean it. It is one of those tall tables anyway and I would need a stool. Too much work.

Besides, it was a cold, refrigerated candy bar whose chocolate outer shell fractured like glass when bit into. I challenge anyone to eat one of those without making some kind of a mess. It sure was funny when Jade blurted that out though.

Hmm, wondering if I should refer to her as Mrs. J.

Anyway, her Jadeness has been hinting for some time that I should really start blogging more. Again. At all actually. I had one a few years ago that I used to post on quite regularly. I went out to it to go over some old stuff and found it no longer is there. A hard drive failure on the old system may have lost it all forever. Which is probably good for those few that may find this as it has saved you all from potentially recycled stuff.

One last thing before I go. If ever you are in need of a good laugh, chuckle, wanting to be amazed and/or appalled, go to Craigslist and have a peek in the Adult Gigs section. Cakefarting?! Who knew!

~Mr. J