Eleven

It goes to eleven. It won't stop there though. No, I am not talking about the dials on my amp. I wish I were.

Eleven years ago today one of my best friends killed himself. Eleven. Years. I still do not know why and expect I never will, but I do still wonder.

I wonder who he was at that time.

I wonder what brought him to that point.

I wonder where he thought he was going.

I wonder when the decision was made.

I wonder why. Why then? Why at all?

Mainly though, especially these days, I wonder what path my life might have taken had he not killed himself. It was an event that profoundly affected me in so many ways and still does it seems. The effects confuse and confound me when I ponder them. They tie into a subject that has been on my mind a lot recently. Balance.

Out of this negative event came one of the most positive things that has happened in my life so far. Is this balance? If so I must say it is both perplexing and confounding. Balance. That is another blog subject.

Tonight I celebrate the time I had with him. I listen to music we both enjoyed. Loudly. I go through pictures of him and us together. I light a candle to his memory.

I raise a glass to you, you magnificent bastard!

I Have Been Papered

One of my cats has a rather unique name. Every time I tell people his name they look at me in askance. I feel obligated to tell them the story at that point. Mainly because I thought the origination of his name is super cool. It still is really, but at this point in his life and mine its meaning is different. I doubt he cares. Unless it's food, pets, brushing, or attacking his brother his interest is mediocre at best.

A few weeks ago I was out with one of my best friends. The conversation turned to pets and pet names. He apparently had not heard the story. It is not very long so I went through it and he thought it was pretty neat. Probably because there was a story/reason behind the uniqueness rather that me just being different for its own sake.

Relaying the story brought on a whole tumult of emotions. Unexpected, strong, and scary. I literally went a little bit crazy for a short time. My friend was understandably concerned. It did not last long, but it was intense and will not soon be forgotten. Some of that was relived today. Not so nearly as intense, but I have been trying to take more effort in being aware of my emotions and why I am experiencing them. Writing about it is, I am finding, very cathartic.

Oh, the story? It was coming up on our first anniversary. I was having trouble coming up with a gift. I finally hit on something. She had been wanting a new cat for a while so I took her to pick one out of a litter a friends cat recently had. I forget how many there were exactly. Six or seven of them. He greeted us at the door. We visited the others to make sure but ended up taking him home. I gave her a card explaining this was her anniversary gift. This long black haired, golden eyed kitten. I suggested we name him "Paper" as paper is the traditional first anniversary gift and that was that.

Today is his 5th birthday. Happy Birthday, Paper.

No Singing

Rules. I miss the rules. I miss a lot of things. Right now though I miss the rules. Still find myself following them for whatever reason. Well, mostly. If the cats could talk.

The Wife visited today. Well, I guess she is still The Wife. I still think of her that way. She was always more though.

We swapped stuff. Chatted about mundane things, and caught up on minor events and I guess gossip. She gave me a belated b-day gift. She smudged my place. It feels better in here.

I enjoyed seeing her. We had not chatted in a while. No contact of any kind really. Which I can understand. She's a busy lady and well it is probably for the best. Her visit today made me realize I miss my friend. Just sitting and talking with her. Listening to her talk. I said something about missing my friend when she left. She gave me that half smile-grin and head tilt which left me feeling like a little boy or a puppy that did something cute. Maybe I should not have said anything, but that's what I was thinking/feeling. I hope it did not make her feel uncomfortable or anything. I kind of felt like a turd afterward. Not sure why though.

Good grief could this be more convoluted? Reflective of my state of mind I guess.

I Don't Understand...

... how one moment I can be fine, looking forward to a new future, and the next hurting so bad I am not sure I can make it. The other feelings in between those just confuse things more. Recently I have been dealing with anger and on one or two occasions outright fury. Raging at the unfairness of it all and blaming it on anyone but myself. It surprises me so I stop to take a closer look. Then I sit embarrassed, in the dark, crying and giggling at the same time.

So many changes recently. The wife and I have split. Divorce is pretty much a done deal. No paperwork yet, but if it showed up tomorrow it would not surprise me. I was considering taking the initiative and just doing it myself, but I will not do that though. It is something I think we both need to do and at the same time. Together.

Many things have gone on since last August when she first told me she was not happy. There was counseling. That was about it. It did not do either of us any good. I am pretty sure that she was just putting up with me till she could not stand it anymore. I think there is a lot the last few months she put up with, and kept to herself. Which if you know her is very uncharacteristic. If true. It is just a feeling I have. Some of my actions and behavior last few months just leave me feeling embarrassed and wanting to somehow do it different, but knowing I can not.

I miss her terribly and at the same time I do not. It is very confusing and sometimes actually physically painful. I hate throwing up.

Oh look...

... I'm here. Shocking I know, The past few nights I have been meaning to write, but ended up just playing around with the arrangement and appearance of this blog. Dammit.

So, here I am watching Season 2 of Alias with The Wife while the white cat is being his usual annoying self. He's moving around, maowing, bumping his head against my laptop and alternately staring at me or The Wife. He's a turd. The black cat is in his usual spot at the foot of the bed kneading on the blanket.

I have a few ideas for blog posts so there should be more coming. There had better be. If nothing else I will sit down and type drivel. Much like this post seems to be forming into, but hey it is better than nothing like I have been ... not doing. My main goal though is to get some things of substance here.

Today I had the opportunity to visit the east side of Vancouver. The area I used to live in. Saw some billboards and other things on the bus ride there that started my mind in some different directions.

Alas, the beer I had earlier is having that wonderful "it's time for you to sleep" effect. So, off I go.

Nice Ride

Well I did not have horrible heart crunching dreams this morning. I should have gotten up when the Wife came in to say good bye though. I lie there thinking that and then fell back asleep only to have my alarm wake me up in a very groggy, discombobulated state. The kind of state that sticks with you for most of the day.

Roller coaster. That's the ride I am referring to in the title with dripping sarcasm. All day yesterday my mind bounced back and forth and back and forth between two courses of action or schools of thought really. At times I was actually sick to my stomach. Other times I was calm, at peace, and everything was fine. Unfortunately there was no correlation. Makes me wonder how many G's the next turn will have or if there is a inverted loop, or if it will just end and I will have to get off or get kicked off the ride.

Ugh.

So confused....

Had a very unhappy, disconcerting dreams this morning. When just before Mrs. J came to say good bye all I could recount of the dream was this sense of directionless motion and loss. Yuck. After that I went back to sleep for a bit and dreamt more. One of those quick 'gah!' dreams. I can not seem to remember specifics, but just the feelings it left me with. Confusion, loss, fear, sadness. It left me in an odd state of mind. I have questions, needs, concerns ...

Things have not been going well recently for our marriage. She's definitely unhappy and I am unhappy she is unhappy. Which if I act on actually has the opposite effect I intend.

There was a time not too long ago we decided to divorce. Then that was decided against and we agreed to work on the marriage. As a result I have been majorly stressed. Mainly due to my own nature. I just do not know where things stand. Talking just seems to rehash the same old things and never accomplishes anything. That and most of the talking is instigated by me and I realized that it's just me seeking affirmation and reassurance. Which seems needy and clingy. Both things that are not conducive to any sort of positive effect here.

I do know one thing. I am not really happy right now. Everything I do either seems to backfire on me or have unintended results. I really don't know where things stand. I seem to be meandering through the days just waiting for the 'other shoe to drop' as it were. Not a pleasant feeling. To add to the complication I want to talk to her about it, but am afraid ... of all kinds of things. So many things.

I. Am. Afraid.

This fear is causing me to act very tentatively and with so much caution and restraint that I have been paralyzed.

Time to just do.